It happens in the gut, just after I see a tidal wave of negative emotion coming my way. It’s a tingling of the skin, initially – a raising of the follicles on the back of the neck, and then it seeps quickly to the very center of assimilation. Suddenly, I am locked into a duration of a most cumbersome, conscious awareness of my own digestive system and how it’s supposed to be doing its job. This is an unintentional, untenable burden. Since when does God defer control of this fickle flange of flesh that calls itself me, to my own frail and foolish ego? Since ever-bloody now, it would seem!
As cats in the urban wild frequently engage psychic abrasion upon casual encounter, I wonder if theirs too becomes as intensely intestinal an affair. And, within that same can of worms, what then is the counterpart within human society to one recognized in the dead of night by vicious, dueling, human baby sounding cries?
There is a… clenching at the abdomen – sometimes tight, and sometimes not so much so, but it is now always there, making me feel, most intimately, every little thing that it’s doing. And, should I take my mind off the puzzle for but a fraction of a while, it will now retaliate by turning its own processing plant topsy-turvy or by halting operation altogether. In its mindless tantrum, it doesn’t seem to realize that it will feel the brunt of its behavior just as severely as I. But, it does realize, more and ever more, that it and I are not the same.
If you are truly sane, do you ever find yourself communicating with or relating to others as if you were dreaming and attempting to interact with characters existing therein – or with yourself from outside the dream? Or… well, that certainly couldn’t be the right attempt at questioning, now could it? Yet, I don’t quite know how to ask the question because I’m not even sure of what it is I so desperately need knowledge. Might this all be characteristic of a mental disorder – coalesced through genetic pooling through the societal, racial consciousness of humanity, then identified by medical science through the same apparatus that caused its being? Might I have deliberately chosen to couple with such peculiar choreography?
It is what it is (whatever the *@&# that was ever meant to mean), and it’s all good (that too!). Because, in this case, the benefits of being Strange far outweigh any perceivable catastrophe over originating outside my focus. Should a whiff of enlightenment happen to befall a person because of me, and it’s happening would be resented by that soul, then I offer, do order a nose that doesn’t smell, for it is in breathing that life is experienced.
So what if an unexpected nasty look form a stranger still sends a grown man’s systems into a tailspin? So what if I am to know not the cause of it all? Is it so strange to feel, or is it merely human? The peutics will assure me that there is a continuum with ‘no feel’ at one end and ‘hyper feel’ at the other. It’s a give-and-take situation that I’m still learning how to manage. I wouldn’t give up this ‘affliction’ for a million pots of gold and a golden personality!
One might assume that the Aspie, Mark 1, Mod 0, doesn’t seem to know a whole lot of much, but is tightly focused in some peculiarly orphaned or alien area of expertise. I’m not even certain of that much (nor of what my area is not), let alone whether my relationships are particularly more Aspergeresque than the next man’s.
What seems typical for me is to move into an apartment, to notice the lovely Mexican spouse neighbor in the yard, and then to have her – in one incinerating instant – judge my attention to be that of a drooling, lust infested lowlife, complete with a look from her that later had me examining the basement floor for pieces of my heart, never to be recovered because they’ve made their way through the cracks in the cement and are headed back to the earth’s core. What the fluke did I do? Was I wearing a mask of some kind? Because I certainly didn’t give off any kind of ‘vibe’ of an ‘uncivilized’ or disrespectful nature. I wasn’t even feeling that. Is there maybe some speck of truth as to why some societies keep their women covered from head to toe? Dread I even go there after all this work!
I was simply struck by a work of art, and I responded, as any beholder, with a momentary look of awe, which she mistook for something else… something I could only imagine to be vile and utterly gross, judging by her nonverbal reaction. If she would have said something – anything – like “I’m Wilma. My husband Fred and I live next door…” – something….
But, since that didn’t happen, and since no one could rightfully expect that she be the one to say something amid my characteristic, foot-in-mind stupor, and since this tragically was a first encounter, and since neither of us was strong in the other’s language… and since I’m different, and thus blessed with the emotional clarity of a severely randomized Rubik’s Cube – that was the beginning of a steadily declining, somewhat luke-brittle relationship not only with her, but her husband, the Mexican community that operates and maintains the property, and, for all intent and purpose on God’s green earth, the bulk of ambient society. Three years hence, not having ever said squat to the Flintstones, with but an occasional wave to Fred, I’m ready to move on in blind pursuit of ever grander relationship blunders.
I eventually come to know, though rather later than never, that how I attract and then deal with such episodes is most directly related to my digestive health, and most ultimately, to my overall wellbeing (and perhaps everyone else’s with whom I should encounter therein). As plausible as any remarkable coincidences between celestial drama and people’s affairs on earth could be, people who don’t deal with their emotions properly are much more prone to digestive-order carcinomas. Why is it that normal folks tend to get to healthy conclusions without going through all the crap that I seem to choose to go through by default? Nonetheless, I will be alienated! Inquiry is futile!
What I take away from this by now… is an Understanding that surpasses knowing achieved by other means. My rational mind knows quite well by now that some large scale forgiveness is clearly indicated here. I’ll get it done, in my own way, and in my own time. Hopefully, I’m doing just that by writing about it. And, do I care what the hell you think? My analyst tells me that it is healthy for me not to give a rip about anything like that or even close to it in any way because it’s none of my business… and we Aspies, some of us, tend to be quite the busy bodies regarding others’ thoughts and feelings. It’s like putting your oxygen mask on first aboard an aircraft. I honor your free will by reaching for a life support apparatus other than your opinion of me. I honor supporting those like me, and their supporters, through the sharing. What I take away to my new dwelling is a deeper understanding of human nature, further principles of spiritual cause and effect, and yet another chance to get it right.