Tag Archive | suffering

One Of Us

The Penalty Of Belonging

“What’s Your Social?”, it’s asked, and there is a response.
Everyone knows the drill and will play by the rules.
‘Your Social’ is unique enough to cast a spell
On the physical consciousness. It does this well
It’s expected that all behave like molecules
That are totally driven by their needs and wants.

It’s a personal question, so one must take care
Not to disclose the puzzle piece of the heartbeat
To unauthorized persons. No one wonders why
Nor is there any problem. By law all comply.
Can one mess with a system that cannot be beat?
Anyone thinking they can had better beware.

One Of Us or of any is meant to be one
Of all ones to be thought of… meaning everything
From the one who is singular to all there are.
One need not know their oneness by looking too far
Into rational thought and literal meaning.
The conceptual mantra can get a lot done.

It’s no mark of acceptance – just of inclusion
Within orders created by one’s circumstance.
To be known as One Of Us feels like I belong
To something that has meaning. All that I’ve done wrong
Tells me strongly that I will get no second chance
To behave in a better way with everyone.

Hope?

The Fuel Of Continuance

Almost all of my life I’ve been mentally ill.
This profound revelation comes at a late stage.
I have made poor decisions that caused harm and grief.
In a fit of psychosis beyond my belief,
I have severed my roots. I am left to engage
In extreme self-analysis. It is no thrill.

I’m face down in my own crap, and my, what a mess.
It would take me a lifetime to straighten things out.
But I’ve already screwed up this life as it be.
Can I find a solution somewhere inside me?
Quickly I was approaching the terminal doubt…
That I should not have been born. I feel less than less.

What I wanted my whole life I already had…
Loving parents, a fine home, and family life.
I flushed that down the toilet. Now, having done so,
I am haunted by thoughts of where my soul might go,
But at least I’d not be here to cause people strife.
I recall only times when I’ve made people sad.

My big plan is to clean up the big mess I’ve made.
With the help of my God I can get this thing done.
I shall pay off my huge debts and own property
Through the special talents God bestowed upon me.
All that I ever wanted was to be someone
Who is loving, and I am still on that crusade.

The Machine

Interdependent Fragility

Critical is the nature of all that is real.
Life maintained is a symphony of submission
To process… it’s profundity, having known hell.
Painfully, my own story is pleasant to tell.
The revealed Magic Realist and I are one.
Intertwined human troubles I rightly must feel.

Easily I am grateful now that the world view
I allow to possess me with its circuitry.
Already with my deep guilt that I cannot hide,
Ignorance of reality, never implied,
Yet the interdependence is made part of me.
I digest the late wake up call. Can it get through?

Never mind a life crisis to forecast the end
Of a thing become tangled in self-awareness.
Knowing now its fragility, I taste respect.
The finite probability has the effect
Of defining the issues I need to address.
This complex human puzzle I must comprehend.

Surrender this old body to forces divine.
The coming machine cycle is due to occur.
The grand clock of existence is mine to express
Through the real me evolving. I can’t go for less
Than the grace necessary to be as it were
In eternal alignment with all that is mine.

Secret Teachings

Esoteric Scriptures

Humankind has been struggling since our time began.
This we know. It has never been hidden away.
So if some folks have answers to kindly address
How we make of our lives such a God awful mess
 And how to rectify things, then why do they prey
On the weak human psyche? What is their sick plan?

It turns out that the secret has always been out
So there has never been one. The truth we all know
By the way we engage the law of allowing.
Through our misguided upbringing we miss the thing
That is of most importance to help us to grow
Into proper alignment with no sense of doubt.

This is an evolving, expanding universe.
It’s not something that someone has all figured out…
Where the angels in heaven kick back and tell us
Little ones to be like them. This superfluous
Notion is less than truthful and fettered in doubt
As the expectation is for better or worse.

There must be expansion in order for there to
Continue to be existence. With expansion
Comes contrast and discernment – the ability
To anticipate, speculate, and mold freely.
We are born with this knowledge. There is not a one
Who does not know the secret or at least a clue.

The Superior Race?

Problematic Supremacy

Don’t believe what your eyes see. This man is supreme
Just because of his white skin and powerful genes.
As he looks right straight past you with only one eye
One can know he means business. He’s willing to try
To take over the country by violent means
Because he bears the right to go to the extreme.

Just what oath are you keeping, you ignorant fool?
…The one that says stupidity shall ever reign?
Then you’re making good progress but only for you.
You can shoot your damned eye out. What else can you do?
As a gun safety instructor you draw disdain.
May your oath keeping cohorts sign up for your school.

Those who preach white supremacy can you explain
How that concept can settle in your vacant minds
And then grow into hatred beyond all belief?
Why is there no other race causing so much grief?
Take a look at your own race with trash of all kinds.
If you idolize this jerk you’re truly insane.

I was given the lowdown some decades ago
From a jerk with a hair of hatred up his ass.
He warned me there’d be bloodshed. The coming race war
Is a threat that is possible if we ignore
The raw truth of the matter. This bitter impasse
Leaves us ever divided and steeped in our woe.

Feminine Drought

The Malignant Masculine

To be one with the contrast that is part of me…
Is it my sin to think that we all can be one?
Christ knew nothing of hatred. He knew only love.
Why do modern day Christians have every kind of
Nasty defect of character under the sun?
How are those of true faith so not able to see?

It’s all been documented throughout history
How the hatred of women and Christian values
Have been forced into marriage. The resultant child
Is a sick ideology where the reviled
Are half the congregation of whom they accuse
Of bringing sin to mankind originally.

The far right are the hypocrites. Like the Nazis
Who believed in male dominance, republicans
Have become the new billboard to promulgate hate.
Religion is a power tool used to berate
Anything that is not male or white, and their plans
Are to subjugate nonwhites and women with ease.

It is the patriarchal biblical word view
That has become the enemy of humankind.
We know Eve was created as an afterthought.
Think of that implication! The mindset is fraught
With existential illogic. Fear the sick mind
That may be of your neighbor who just may hate you.

Do not covet your neighbor’s wife, ox, or donkey,
Or anything of value that some man may own.
Women should not have authority over man.

This bullshit from the bible is where it began.
This is why we’re psychotic and violence prone.
Our survival as one race may not come to be.

The Eighth Deadly Sin

The Rampage of Self-Loathing

If I could deal with my sins, I’d not need to write.
Should I count them a blessing for creative work?
And is my darkest nature subject to concern
Of a soul who would read me? My will is to learn
What it is that upsets me. I’ve gone full berserk
Throughout most of my living. It’s been a huge fight.

There are now seven deadly ones. Once there were eight.
Back in times medieval the big change was made
Perhaps due to aesthetics, Seven is more pure
And more easily remembered. One can be sure
That the eighth must have gotten people so afraid
That they dropped it completely to safeguard their fate.

All of them wrapped into one is what I’ve become
Now that I as an old man review my sick life.
In my weakness I’m not the risk I was before.
It’s a blessing that I can’t abuse anymore.
It’s no wonder I experience so much strife.
I’m a step below the level of lowlife scum.

To Despond is the eighth sin. It’s now a disease
That is treated with counseling – not the preacher.
An outlook that is hopeless and marked by despair,
Chronic gloom, and depression is the lack of care
I have given to goodness. I am a creature
Who, in life’s recollection, is brought to its knees.

Uncivil Mitosis

Painful Growth

Red and Blue come together to form a union
And escape from the tyranny of monarchy.
One nation undivided with territories
With their own constitutions and racial disease
Has remained but a battlefield. Lord have mercy
On this land most bedeviled by contradiction.

I would not have thought things could turn out quite this way.
The illusion of brotherly love was intense.
Psychedelic were those days of Reverend King.
Now, the dream of America is not a thing
That resembles inclusiveness. Does it make sense
That a part of society serves as its prey?

Liberals and conservatives, blue folk and red…
The confederate and union troops on the field
Also make up the government and places high.
Blatancy is becoming. Here’s the reason why.
It is only through battle that we become healed
So that we can remember and honor our dead.

As it has been it will be. No change can occur
But the ongoing process of cell division
And the up and down cycles of racial hatred
Is something that I’ll ponder perhaps ‘til I’m dead.
I alone have the right to make the decision
That allows for my freedom as I would prefer.

The Most Difficult Thing To Explain

Existence

Who was I in my past life? Who am I right now?
How long will it take to attain liberation?
These questions all have answers, but who wants to know
Is the one most important if I want to grow.
It all comes back to myself because I’m the one
Who provides the right answer without knowing how.

Yoga teaches that breathing is how I find out
Who I am at my core. Simply I’ll meditate
On the question intently until there’s a clue,
But indeed the most difficult thing I could do
Is explain me to anyone else or placate
Others with my performance while fettered in doubt.

Is the root of the matter to get something done?
Doing things cause problems more often than not.
It’s amazingly simple to just be at ease
With this moment eternal. There’s no one to please
But the self who deserves it much more than a lot.
There’s no doubt in my mind that this life can be fun.

Death and suffering cannot be problems I face.
They’re merely consequences that living creates.
Yet the worst kind of suffering is when I think
That there is a way out, but I’m just not in sync.
That I Am in this moment further demonstrates
My existence is solid and worthy of grace.

Pro-Life?

The Viral Hypocracy

Secession from the Union is sadly the role
Of the people in leadership in certain states.
Racism is an ice cold determination.
Ruthlessly the psychosis will never be done.
It matters not the path nor danger that awaits.
Every kind of rebellion is locked in the soul.

Which states will lead the nation in counting their dead?
With extreme desperation it is a contest
To placate the defiant ignorant to know
But to curse everything about the status quo.
The contempt for authority that is expressed
Is sufficient to keep all from moving ahead.

Mostly victims are children in these sick places
Where the spread of the virus increases by day.
Hospitalized children is specific red states
Are the highest reported. The leader who hates
Is in fact the worse killer. If he has his way
The bug will only kill those of certain races.

Gut wrenching are the stories that pour out of hell.
One must deal with intolerance to common sense
And attraction to living instead of disease.
What happens when the nation is brought to its knees?
Would the scourge of hypocrisy be as immense?
It takes more than a vaccine to make people well.

Nigger Season

The Benefits Of Civil War

If I walk outside my house I may be shot dead
By some teen with a license which is his white skin.
It may be for no other reason than I’m black,
And a crime such as that is well worth an attack.
What can I do about my original sin?
Following this dark sequence is done with much dread.

But I have to go through it. I have not the choice
But to work out this puzzle witch fucks with the mind.
It’s not that I’m heartbroken. I’m now wide awake
To the hate that is due me. No hand may I shake
That is not mine in color. In this can I find
Some perverted assed reason for me to rejoice?

No I can’t. So, it’s best that I piss and move on.
Survival is a given until it is not.
I remain just as helpless as decades ago.
Civil rights was a pipe dream, and as the weeds grow
Hatred lingers and forces itself by gunshot.
‘Seems we’ll never live up to the manicured lawn.

The procession of seasons that nature provides
Is severely augmented by issues of race.
Responding to the gut punch, I find some relief.
And my role in the picture is that much more brief.
My death may be related to some lame court case.
That’s where I am. I now leave it up to my guides.

Awakening

Practical Enlightenment

It’s the cause of most suffering, wise ones believe,
Of the mind and its habit of thinking always.
Recognizing the chatter is tricky at best.
It is just an illusion. I can become stressed
Easily by the drama, and it rarely pays.
Almost always it turns out that it will deceive.

So asleep is the ego self. It’s in a daze
That the mind has created as its main plaything.
Sometimes I really get it. I come wide awake
In sincere meditation, but if I could make
It an all the time feeling, what joy that would bring.
Can I learn how to get my consciousness to raise?

Beyond thought is Awakening to someone who
Is much bigger than I am and all that I know.
In fact, that person is everyone in essence.
From that broader perspective what e’er may commence
Will no doubt help me spiritually to grow.
I’m not there all the time, but I know what to do…

…And that is to stay focused and nearly thought free.
In a world of illusions created by such,
It can be quite a challenge. But this way is true.
Once in touch with your true self your life shines anew.
There’s no reason for me to be cold to the touch.
It is now my quest to stay awake completely.

Missing Inaction

The Norm Of Inequality

When a white girl is missing, all are up in arms.
There are many resources expended to find
Every clue to her whereabouts. Amber alerts
Are broadcasted profusely, and the thing that hurts
Is that black and brown females are left far behind
In the blessing of God’s grace. Everyone it harms.

Every standard young white couple out on the trail
Is a thing of great value and such a fresh sight
Until something turns ugly. The man is believed,
And the woman’s whole take on things is misperceived.
If this couple were black, would the system be right?
One or both of them surely would end up in jail.

There’s no knee-to-the-neck justice for the white man.
He may bullshit his way into running scot free.
A fake twenty dollar bill is just not the same
As a white woman’s murder. Yet he bears no blame
Until things are so obvious for all to see.
Institutional racism is a dark plan.

 To ask if there’s a problem with anything here
That is written or written of is but to jest.
My whole purpose in writing is to explore truth.
As we look to the future, it is in our youth
That the cycle be broken – not just not expressed.
We as humans can avoid a future austere.

Everything That You Want

The Culmination Of Desire

“If I Want It, I Can Have It!” Say this one thing
About everything wanted, and repeatedly.
If the universe makes possible your desire
Then it can well deliver it. All may transpire
That you’ve dreamed of for ages almost instantly.
There is no limit to what your good mood will bring.

I know that it is entirely possible
To achieve what I want. I just need to let go
Of the yearning, and pleading, and long suffering.
All that crap doesn’t get it and means not a thing
In fact, those are big obstacles. It’s good to know
That my past failures are fully ignoscible

If I want it, I can please myself on the way
To its manifestation by milking the thought
And the feeling of having it right here and now.
It’s the best method known. I must trust and allow
I focus only on things that matter a lot
And keep track of how I’m feeling throughout the day.

The whole reason for the existence of the goal
Is to give me a fun and pleasing adventure.
On the path of my journey, small pleasures unfold.
I like knowing I want things to have and to hold
 Because knowing they’ll happen is sacred and pure.
Manifesting means feeling that, without, I’m whole.

Aster * Risk

A Perceivably Precarious Pickle

Everyone that I’ve ever know will hate my guts.
It’s a given. I don’t have to figure that out.
In the brief time that I may have left, I’m assured
That I will be the enemy. Those who’ve endured
My abuse will be thankful and gleefully shout
When I’m gone because I’m prone to driving folks nuts.

You do that to me also though. This quid pro squat
Leaves someone more shorthanded. This Risk with a face
Tries to mingle among the real thing and behave
In the ways of true stardom. No love can it crave.
Once The Risk is discovered, a quiet disgrace
Permeates like a wet fart that offends a lot.

In some ways I am like you colorful breeders,
But something fundamental is missing in me.
Clueless, I’ve sought a lifetime the answer to that.
Yet you normal ones know me, and this tit for tat
With the mind and emotions I play piss poorly.
In the game of relating, I’ve few cheerleaders.

So I’ll just keep on hiding amid you aster
Trying hard not to dis you inadvertently.
You and I spell disaster and should never meet.
I’m an old pissed off bastard who cannot be sweet
Anymore. It is bullshit as far as I see.
My true self is the one thing that I must master.

Lose Yourself

The 'Self' Does Not Exist

Lose Yourself In This Love… You will find everything.
In This Love, when you lose yourself, all will be well.
Lose Yourself in the moment. Do Not fear the loss.
You will rise from the earth and meet up with The Boss
While embracing the heavens. In bliss you will dwell
With others who are like you, and may angels sing!

Lose Yourself and escape from this frail earthly form.
This body is a chain, and I, its prisoner.
 I must smash through the prison wall and walk outside
With the kings and the princes. No dream is denied.
Never mind what others back on earth would prefer.
Grieving over the loss of folks is quite the norm.

Find escape from the black cloud that does surround you
Then you’ll see your own light as bright as the full moon.
Enter now into that silence. The surest way
Is to Lose Yourself each moment of every day.
What is your life about anyway but a strewn
All about mess of memories that you accrue?

My own life is a struggle. For myself I speak –
Not for anyone else here. It isn’t my place.
I have been someone naughty and too often mean.
My own silence I run from. I cannot be seen
In the light of most others. Am I a disgrace?
One’s own self loss is personal and quite unique.

Cave In

Inner Escape From Outer Turmoil

There cannot be a pain worse than surmounting debt.
As the tonnage increases it takes up more space
In the places my guts were before their seizure.
Should I act out in panic, more harm I’d endure.
By my credit score I am consumed in disgrace.
Every phone call or message I’ll take as a threat.

No wonder I’m so weary and pissed of a lot.
Energy that I would have for creating things
Is diverted to struggle finding strategies
To reverse severe bleeding through tense arteries.
Embarrassed that I cling on to life’s apron strings,
A fine candidate for employment I am not.

Life is caving in on me. There is no escape
Short of something most tragic or a miracle
Like a change in perception so that I will hear
The exact steps I must take to mitigate fear
And the guidance to exit my fecal canal.
I’m a far cry from being in much better shape.

If I don’t find a hustle or some employment
In the next few days, things will get way out of hand.
And I don’t have an answer, nor am I afraid.
I must pay for the foolish decisions I’ve made.
May it cost me my life. That would be more than grand.
In survival, my task is to learn to repent.

Death Rattle

Painted Into The Corner Of Darkness

Stay Alive. That’s a challenge. I’d better not fail.
Chances are I won’t do that, but chances are that
I will die in the process through no fault of mine…
Not even indirectly, which would suit me fine.
Let the shit happen quickly. The drop of a hat
Is a reason acceptable for me to bail.

As the brunt of life’s karma comes on at full force…
When there’s no one to go to; all bridges are burnt,
And I can’t find an answer to save my own soul,
Have I left any reason to aim for a goal?
I must still think I’m worthy, because if I weren’t
I would not be attuned to a special resource.

As the hat drops, the shoe falls. I know not which one
To entangle the horns of with my intellect
Or the brute force I muster when misdirected.
Anyone who would say that I’m better off dead
Hasn’t suffered like I have and has no respect
For the foolish and how in err they get things done.

The Death Rattle I feel, and it hangs fairly low.
In the pit of my stomach is where it begins
To erupt through the heart chakra into my throat.
When denied every platform I need to promote…
I must know that it’s karma for all my past sins.
Hopefully there’s an answer my living can show.

 

Negative Thought Removal

Remedy For The Common Mood

Negative thoughts are just thoughts. Don’t identify
Them as good ones and bad ones. They all are the same
In that I’m either conscious of them or I’m not.
It is in the subconscious where some become fraught
In the ways they affect me. Yet I cannot blame
Them for my bad behavior, though hard I may try.

Try not to think of monkeys for just a brief while.
The mere thought makes the mind but a monkey machine
Generating more monkeys than ever wanted.
The mind does amplify whatever it is fed.
So, to think not a negative thought is obscene
Because I cannot do it. It isn’t my style.

Understanding that my thoughts are not part of me
Is the key to becoming more fully aware
That my unconscious thinking can get out of hand.
It seduces me to places I hadn’t planned.
If I try to not think them I welcome despair.
This is quite a predicament as I can see.

So, what is the solution? Surely there must be
One that is most appropriate and effective.
Since the mind can’t digest well, it needs to be fed
Positive support by me. Today I’m not dead.
That’s of utmost importance. My will is to live.
Knowing not when life will end is just fine with me.

On Beating The Blues

Endless Cycles Of Gloom

An old man on a job search is death wish engaged
At full throttle straight into the darkness of hell.
Able bodied I am with an excellent mind
But this world doesn’t see that. In essence, it’s blind
To what I have to offer. I’m just a hard sell
To the age of the phone app. Indeed I’m outraged.

But who gives a bat’s dropping among hell’s elite?
Having spent the last few weeks as a prostitute
On the road and in offices for interviews
That upset and degrade me, I’ll not self-abuse
As I sense that’s the intent because they can’t shoot
Me for sport or for pleasure. Still I’m in defeat.

Sent way out to the boondocks through Amazon Flex
With a carload of packages on gravel roads
With no God Damned thing guiding me but a phone app
Then the fucking phone dies. The whole day’s turned to crap
I bent over and puckered for copious loads
Of the dark seed of Satan in virtual sex.

I’d take this as a joke played on me with a smile
And forget like a bad dream what’s happened to me
If I were a lot younger – not old and depressed.
Vows I’ve made to my doctors were not made in jest
But when push comes to shove one would have to agree
That to ask for a breastfeeding isn’t my style.

I cannot be employed, yet Magic I create.
I have many fine talents and education
That I’m still paying off after decades by now.
This life hates my damned guts. This fact I can allow
To solidify suicidal decision.
But for now, I’ve decided to nourish my hate.

The Meaning Of Life

Fundamental Purpose

If one has but a ‘why’ one can bear any ‘how.’
As suggested by Nietzsche, life is very hard.
Does this mean I am tested in all that I do?
Certainly! There is darkness I must look into
For the purpose of healing whatever is scarred
By neglect of my visiting outside of now.

In the darkest of places, if I can still find
A faint glimmer of something, I’ll know it’s real light.
Life’s malevolence is ineradicable.
The intent and extent is unfathomable.
I need Sustaining Meaning to keep me alright.
If well-armed with some virtue, then I am aligned.

A life instinct is meaning. I need a reason
To get out of bed even on terrible days.
Nobleness in one’s purpose is not optional.
If one has not, then one is most vulnerable
To the clutches of evil and all of its ways.
Clutching on to some purpose, true life is begun.

I’ll get out and do something. It may turn out wrong,
But at least I’ll have learned then correct my mistakes.
My remaining in stasis leads to getting old
And decrepit from laziness. Purpose is gold.
Life is hopelessly woven in fear and heartbreaks.
Pointed in some direction, I am somewhat strong.

Thoughts On Death

The Adjustment Through Mourning

Wondering what it would be like to go to sleep
And to never wake up is the fog of mourning.
The next logical question, were it to be asked
Through gut wrenching emotion for one who has passed,
Is: “What was it like waking up after having
Never been asleep?”
(If you don’t know… This Is Deep!)

Thoughts of death bring on panic – an instinct normal
For surviving, as creatures of nature we are.
Disappearance from earth is simply seasonal.
Every current of life leads to one waterfall.
One cannot fight the current. The stream is by far
Too much for the mere ego who must feel but small.

Happiness and security doesn’t consist
Of the clinging onto things… especially change.
Senses become awakened with this much insight.
A discernible difference ever so slight
Between this world and heaven can be not so strange.
It’s been known that the two worlds indeed coexist.

We all know very well that after people die
Other people are born, and we all are the same.
We can only experience one at a time
Each and everyone of us. Is this not sublime?
When death comes to us we are still part of the game.
Letting oneself accept it is the best goodbye.

The Reason For Madness

The Origin of All Mental Illness

Many go to psychologists thinking they’re ill.
Doctors know they aren’t crazy. They’re simply confused.
People’s lives become so complex that they’d prefer
Being dead to escape the pain that they suffer.
Life gets too complicated, then folks are accused
Of some mental imbalance and loss of free will.

Because it causes suffering if not controlled,
Inundation of detail we want to avoid
At all cost, as it, on its own, grows and mutates.
Normal people end up with too much on their plates.
The Complexity Problem indeed has destroyed
Many otherwise happy lives… And it gets old.

When a few known catastrophes are added to –
Like the loss of a loved one, your home, and your job –
You may find it unbearable to carry on
‘Til the next damned moment, let alone the new dawn.
Grown adults become children. We break down and sob
Out of sheer desperation while feeling like poo.

So, just like the balloon blown up too much will burst
At the point where it’s weakest, we are quite the same.
The cure for all complexity is found within
Where the self knows simplicity. There I begin
To release the anxiety and the self-shame
 Because as things are going, we ain’t seen the worst.

Overcoming Suffering

Mostly a Matter of Mind

Constant shots of I Love You direct to the head
Where the heart is an image that needs special care
In resolving the problems the mind recreates
Is one kind of addiction among human fates.
Suffering is the byproduct all creatures bear
From birth into existence until they are dead.

A huge bit of my suffering is of the mind,
As it is with most people. Alone it can make
A big deal of a small thing, then all will go wrong.
If my positive thinking were stunningly strong,
It may cause enough shifting that I may awake
To the knowing that obstacles are rather kind.

Other problems of living I cannot control,
As they come from the outside, or seemingly so.
People dying and illness are common to all.
We encounter the big things as well as the small.
It is necessary for all creatures to grow
Through the difficult challenges to make them whole.

Thinking can’t offer freedom from having to face
Obstacles on my cherished path, Do I create
Every damned thing that happens? It’s irrelevant!
I can accept that I create just the moment
With detachment from judgment in absence of weight.
Optional is most suffering that I embrace.