Tag Archive | shame

Aster * Risk

A Perceivably Precarious Pickle

Everyone that I’ve ever know will hate my guts.
It’s a given. I don’t have to figure that out.
In the brief time that I may have left, I’m assured
That I will be the enemy. Those who’ve endured
My abuse will be thankful and gleefully shout
When I’m gone because I’m prone to driving folks nuts.

You do that to me also though. This quid pro squat
Leaves someone more shorthanded. This Risk with a face
Tries to mingle among the real thing and behave
In the ways of true stardom. No love can it crave.
Once The Risk is discovered, a quiet disgrace
Permeates like a wet fart that offends a lot.

In some ways I am like you colorful breeders,
But something fundamental is missing in me.
Clueless, I’ve sought a lifetime the answer to that.
Yet you normal ones know me, and this tit for tat
With the mind and emotions I play piss poorly.
In the game of relating, I’ve few cheerleaders.

So I’ll just keep on hiding amid you aster
Trying hard not to dis you inadvertently.
You and I spell disaster and should never meet.
I’m an old pissed off bastard who cannot be sweet
Anymore. It is bullshit as far as I see.
My true self is the one thing that I must master.

About Sleep

Nocturnal Flight Of The Spirit

An addiction to sleeping…? Why not a disease,,,
To be unconscious one third the time I am here
Should be called my existence? It fits like a glove.
In my dreams, like a free bird, I zoom out above
Where I can’t when I’m wide awake in constant fear
As my life quickly wastes away and no one sees.

It’s at worst therapeutic. The cycle of sleep
Has a three quarter rhythm like some poetry.
It’s the nearest escape hatch without absolute
Departure from the physical. Rather acute
Is my life situation. Where I need to be
Is far off from where I am, so my soul does weep.

Meditation and sleeping are somewhat the same.
They both bring much relief from the troubles at hand.
As each is made available, there is my chance
To remember that I am not my circumstance.
Terminal, though it seems, may it help me expand
Far beyond a solution to mitigate shame.

I rely now on guidance. I’m on cruise control.
Things I do throughout my day I don’t think about.
Mindfully automatic with each daily task
With no judgment from me, I do most humbly ask
That I live through my hell with no measure of doubt
That redemption is possible for my damned soul.

Healthy sleep is wellbeing of body and mind.
I have more energy, and my mood can remain
At a workable level. If I were ok –
Like no one on this earth – I’d have nothing to say.
I exist to express things, and it keeps me sane
And conscious of the moments when I’ve been unkind.

Life Or Death

Choice Or Sentance

It’s a matter of being – or not being here.
In one tenth of an instant all life could be gone.
Then what happens thereafter? Don’t go there so fast.
Though the grips of electrons at best only last
But a non-fatal flailing… do curse the new dawn.
Obstacles are withstanding. I can’t disappear.

Fascination I’m left with – it’s all that remains –
For the movement of particles… or anything
Well accustomed to light speed. I live for the spark
That gives honor to contrast between light and dark.
Only when it gets awful, destructive thinking
Leaves me languidly livid – the worst of all pains.

Living just for this moment, relief I do find.
Distraction from rejection is re-translation
Of the latter to loveliness, but at a cost
To the hurtful part of me who is rather lost
In this world become nasty beyond all reason.
Can creatures like electrons be known to be kind?

 If ever the thereafter consumes my yearning
For the pain to be over, the present is one
That cannot be mistaken for past rotten deeds
Perpetrated in darkness for my selfish needs.
That I get to remain here, true justice is done.
On no thin thread of mercy I’m willing to cling.

No More Guilt

Emerge From The Shadow

Why am I in the shadows nowhere to be found
By the people I owe and to those I’ve done wrong?
Hidden well in my darkness, no one keeps in touch
With my world or my person. I ruminate much
On my defects of character which does prolong
The dark night of my soul. It’s a ship run aground.

This is rather depressing. Who tells me that I
Am an unworthy creature whose frequent misdeeds
And mistakes relegate me to those of a class
That can have no redemption nor half empty glass?
If I swallow that bullshit I’m stuck in the weeds
In a Twilight Zone episode hard to deny.

I can say that I’m human. It’s not a cop out.
I can reap what I’ve sown now, let go, and move on.
The emotion of guilt is destructive. It will,
If it ain’t dealt with initially, even kill.
Rather I intend fully to see the next dawn.
That my life can be salvaged I have not a doubt.

People don’t learn a thing if they don’t make mistakes.
Everyone is a screw-up at times in some way.
Insecurity laden, my comparisons
Are but useless and futile, except for the ones
That uplift and propel me through my useful day.
I deserve this, as all do, along with fair shakes.

A Feeling Awareness

Revealing Change In Attitude

Feel the wetness of Being and all that it means
To be one with the ocean of all that exists.
One may then wax poetic and sing words of praise.
With no glass to fill half way my consciousness stays
In eternal awareness of life’s turns and twists
We are all simply liquid emoting machines.

Feeling vulnerable only emulates fear.
I can sense the reality, but I can choose
To rely on the guidance from deep in the heart.
I cannot feel rejected. My soul is one part
Of one sea that has many – each with different views.
My own take, although humid, is perfectly clear.

The pure truth in acceptance of who I’ve become
Is a source of contentment. While wet upon stage
I have acted the fool often. Is that a shame?
Yes It Is. I’m the one person who must proclaim
To those whom I’ve mistreated, I feel your outrage.
Is there something worthwhile to the beat of this drum?