Tag Archive | despair

Momentum And Resistance

The goal is to move up the emotional scale
Incrementally. It’s all about your control
Of each moment. If you’re in a state of despair
Then revenge feels much better but you can’t stay there
For a long time without doing harm to your soul.
Keep on climbing. To reach your goal you must prevail.

If you act when you’re in negative emotion
Things will only get worse yet there’s simple relief
In each piece of resistance that you let go of.
You want to be in a place somewhat far above
Satisfaction. Let not resistance be the thief
Of your spirit. To how you feel give devotion.

Between letting go of relief and having no
Resistance there’s a subtle and small difference.
It’s a bit of fine tuning but once you get there
You’ll find doors opening up for you everywhere.
The power you gain in your relief is immense.
You can feel the way you want by making it so.

When your in a state of constant satisfaction
Big things will start unfolding. You’ll slip right into
Feelings of passion and pure exhilaration.
Every step of the way is your own creation.
Just jump start the momentum. Your dreams will come true
As you take good care of your point of attraction.

Surrender To Satisfaction

Feb8

The emotional scale indicates the degree
You’re allowing or resisting the wellbeing
Ever present. At one end there’s blame, hurt, despair,
Revenge, anger, and hatred. Who isn’t aware
Of these feelings? Most people end up agreeing
That they suck. Is there a reason for them to be?

At the other end of the emotional scale
Is love, appreciation, passion, ecstasy,
And excitement. It’s not often people remain
In such states for a long time. There’s practical gain
At the scale’s center. It’s the place you want to be.
Be aware of the good life in vivid detail.

At the middle of the scale is satisfaction
And contentment. There’s no resistance in the mind
Or the heart as you have vibrational control
Of each moment. The secret to becoming whole
Is appreciating everything you can find.
This will greatly enhance your point of attraction.

The more time you spend looking for reasons to be
Satisfied then the more Law of Attraction brings
More rivers and streams of things that are just the same.
Satisfaction means that to the world you exclaim
Your surrender to happiness as your heart sings
Of the praises of your newfound reality.

When You’re Not Happy

Dec4

Whatever is keeping you in utter sadness
Has momentum. You’ve felt this way for quite a while.
When you operate at your lower frequency
You move forward but with extreme difficulty.
It’s not too hard for you to relearn how to smile.
You have the power to save yourself from distress.

Frequency and momentum – there’s a difference
Between them. Frequency means point of attraction
And momentum is how strongly your frequency
Has brought things into your current reality.
You can get things to be to your satisfaction.
Your commitment to joy is your only expense.

You want to have enough exposure to enough
Experiences that you can work the bugs out
Of you vibration so that in time you’ll fly high
But for now the sad feeling you cannot deny
And how you got here isn’t worth talking about.
You or no one deserves to hear that sorry stuff.

Tune yourself to the frequency that is you and
Everything that is the frequency that you are
Will begin showing itself to you and meanwhile
Don’t let your getting there put a cramp in your style.
Remember always that you are never too far
From a thought that you loving heart can understand.

I Decided To Live

Nov26

At that moment a long time ago when I was
In abject desolation over what I felt
Was a life made unlivable by my own hand
Nothing made any sense. I could not understand
Why I’d come into being. Far below the belt
Was my consciousness and I knew what was the cause.

I’m a loser. That’s such and unkind thing to say
Of oneself or of anyone but it’s so true.
I’ve done things I’m ashamed of. I’ve acted the fool.
In my trying to live life I broke every rule.
I’ve been a rotten bastard to everyone who
I have ever known. How did I turn out this way?

I’ve burnt every bridge I know. Now with urgency
I confess that I’m not the kind of person who
Is deserving of anything but psychic pain.
I don’t blame the fact that I’ve made myself insane
By my defects of character. What can I do
To express my remorse for what I’d come to be?

I believe in past lives. This life I’m living now
Is a fluke. It’s as if I’m not human at all
But an alien sent here to learn a few things
About being a decent person and it brings
On a deep sense of sorrow that I’m yet a small
Reflection of humanity gone wrong somehow.

Yet I know that my chance of survival is slim
As I hold on to this story. I want to live
Out this mess of a life and perhaps finally
Turn out to be the person I wanted to be.
I believe that I still have a whole lot to give.
I don’t want to believe that my future is dim.

To all those whom I’ve harmed know that I’m now aware
Of the damage I’ve done. I can only regret
Having done it. My sorrow is deep and profound.
There’s no way that I’m able to turn things around
At this point. Am I able to repay my debt?
That’s the question I’m left to ponder with much care.

Selflessness

Apr25

Every emotion you feel in life is a choice,
Which means that you control everything that you feel.
You were meant to enjoy life. If you can learn how,
You’ll never be a burden on others. Allow
That to be your gift to others and the ordeal
Of your own neediness you will not want to voice.

The least selfish thing you can do and the most kind
Is to be in alignment with the best of you.
It’s also the most loving and graceful of things
You can do. Clarity and wellbeing it brings.
So, can it be called selfless? What you choose to do
To help others can in itself be self-inclined.

Everyone has the right to live their life as they
Choose to live it, as long as they don’t interfere
With the same right of others. “We love the things we
Love for what they are.” When you love genuinely,
Empathy becomes natural. Then you can hear
What the other is saying. Fear washes away.

What you think of yourself must be more important
Than what others think of you. You give up control
In the moment you let others know you’re willing
To do anything for them. You can by filling
Your heart with love reach into someone else’s soul.
It’s okay to be selfless. There’s no one who can’t.

Life And Death Lessons

Mar29

The entry point of an assault rifle bullet
Is much smaller than the exit wound. That’s because
It creates mass expansion as it passes through
Flesh and bone. The amount of damage it can do
Is to some captivating. If ever there was
A weapon of pure hate, this is the one to get.

A child shot through the chest leaves the corpse of a child
With its entire back missing. When shot through the head,
It’s as if it exploded. This killing machine
People cherish. This nation is vile and obscene
Regarding weapons that can shoot so many dead.
It’s an issue that will never be reconciled.

From the birth of the Wild West through eternity,
Powerful is the intoxicating gun smoke
To the mind. Branch Republicans we have become.
Civil War is a lethal obsession to some
Who support the gun lobbies, as those who are woke
Want to be a nation of some civility.

Those who have learned their lesson are no longer here.
We survivors are students of our behavior.
Those who now learn to drop to the floor and play dead
Will some day be the ones who will end the bloodshed.
It will be something that hasn’t happened before.
Until then, our future is uniquely austere.

I Should Not Have Been Born

Feb2

Can I blame mental illness for how I’ve behaved?
I would like to, but that would mean that I’m now sane.
In my old age, alone now, consumed in remorse,
I’m possessed by a grossly malevolent force.
My whole life was a mission to cause others pain
From this brutal life review I cannot be saved.

It’s injustice to worthiness. I don’t deserve
Satisfaction in living. In purgatory,
I remember my madness and all I have done
To create such calamity for everyone
I can think of. The reason that people hate me
Is because I’m an asshole with colossal nerve.

That’s why I flush the toilet every now and then
By moving to another place, leaving behind
A train wreck of existence to fuck up anew
Somewhere else. I’m amazed by the things that I do
That are downright disgusting. I had been unkind
For no apparent reason again and again.

Can I feel the embarrassment? Have I a soul?
As my lead solar plexus drains my energy,
I don’t want to remember the people I’ve known.
Knowing they have forgotten me, I can disown
That it ever had happened. In hell I should be.
Perhaps unconsciously that’s my ultimate goal.

But I’m here now and have been assigned to this role
For some God unknown reason. I am humbled by
My existence. I’m sorry for all that I’ve done
To hurt others. To hope that healing has begun
Is, I hope, not too arrogant. The day I die
Will be one of rejoicing for this troubled soul.

Turkey In The Straw

Nov24

There’s a song that keeps ringing in my ears these days.
As it plays innocently, my fond memories
Are of laughter. The years of my youth were carefree.
Unaware of how the tune has affected me
After decades, I now have a mental disease
That I welcome. It’s one that is worthy of praise.

The eeriest of earworms eats out at the mind.
Unobstructed by commonsense, it has control,
For the moment, of my worthiness to exist
In true freedom. I have the power to resist
The temptation to shuffle and play the dark soul.
The song has power over the one who is blind.

Ice cream is milk and honey. This land that I know
Is uncivil. The white hoods have now been removed.
Thankfulness for the story that is created
Is a challenge if its origin is hated
By the ones who only want conditions improved
For the whole. It would seem there’s a long way to go.

Grateful I am for who I am. Where I belong
Is where I am. The contrafacta may evolve
To the loudest dog whistle made for the turkey
In the straw of the barnyard of humanity.
Sins of ego I am most obliged to absolve.
Thankfulness is believing that nothing is wrong.

Satisfaction

Oct22

When a car has its brake off, and it’s out of gear
On a steep hill, it will move and gain momentum
Very quickly downward. In the same way, I can
Go from satisfaction to a place better than
Mere contentment. There’s nothing I need overcome
But my own resistance and corruptible fear.

Satisfaction into ecstasy or into
Love or exhilaration, or into passion
Happens as I have practiced. It gets easier
To live life in a way that I most would prefer.
Finding ways to feel good is always in fashion.
The emotional scale is not something that’s new.

I can feel much relief if I go from despair
To revenge, for example. I have some control
With the latter. I don’t want to stay there too long.
In that state, I will end up doing something wrong.
Feeling better is always the ultimate goal.
Of my emotions I am constantly aware.

There is a fine tuning adjustment to be made.
The relief that I feel is more resistive than
Satisfaction, although relief is a good thing.
When I’m satisfied, doors then begin opening.
There’s no other way but to do all that I can
To stay happy. Before, I had been too afraid.

Who Is Going To Intervene?

Aug10

Who values corporate profits? No one like me,
But some people do, and so does our government.
Petty little is spent on peacebuilding measures.
It is clear that we are a nation that treasures
Corporations. When did we begin our descent
Into social psychosis to this grave degree?

A greater incidence of peace and a lower
Incidence of conflict, the statistics have shown,
Happens when there’s greater economic power
For women and when all children want to devour
What they’re learning, and when women are left alone.
Since this isn’t happening we evolve slower.

The reduction of violence against women
And immense lessening of human suffering
Are the things all must value if we’re to survive.
When people are less in despair then they will thrive
And feel that they can do just about anything.
What has not been done before can’t be done again.

Virulent is the strain of capitalism
That has hijacked America since the eighties.
It has corrupted our government to its core.
We have war because in it the profit is more,
And wellness is less profitable than disease,
And we have not a handle on our racism.

The Genius Of The Crowd

Jun22

Treachery, hatred, violence, absurdity…
There’s enough of it in the average person
To supply any given army any day.
Those who excel at murder preach, and what they say
Is that killing is offensive yet they have none
Of the virtue they speak of. All eyes plainly see.

Those who hate with a passion and do it quite well
Are those who get to teach love. Is this ironic?
And those who are the best at war finally preach
Of the peace that is needed. Their eloquent speech
Often manipulates the body politic.
Negativity sadly is not a hard sell.

Those who preach love have no love, and those who preach peace
Don’t have peace. Those who speak of God incessantly
Do need God. Beware the knowers and the preachers.
Those who read books are also dangerous creatures.
People who detest or are proud of poverty
Are a drain on the life force. Connection must cease.

Beware the average human being today.
There’s enough genius in their hatred of others
To kill you, me, or anyone. No solitude
Do they want nor can understand. This can be viewed
As a tragic existence if one so prefers.
It’s an understatement that life’s not a ballet.

Listen To The Call Of Source

Jun7

Forces that create worlds come from one single source
Which is also inside you. It is all knowing.
Just beyond your awareness impulses received
Are those of constant guidance. Once you have achieved
Consciousness of your contact you won’t be owing
Anything to a thought stream that you can’t endorse.

Listen To The Call Of Source? But how does it sound?
It depends on where you are in aspect to it.
If appreciation is what you mostly feel
You’ll get shivers and goosebumps. You will not conceal
Your enormous excitement, but if there’s a bit
Of despair then revenge is all that may be found.

Only you know where you vibrate on the spectrum
Of emotion. Revenge may offer some relief
From bitter rage and anger. You can reach that place
Where you are most receptive to your source’s grace.
Do not let your analyzing become the thief
Of the life you deserve. That would be kind of dumb.

Get to that place where you are more hopeful than not.
It’s not hard. With some practice you’re on your way there.
Steady streams will be flowing of blessings and more.
Talk about things that feel good. The more you explore
What it is that excites you you’ll be more aware
Of that special connection that matters a lot.

One Of Us

Apr23

“What’s Your Social?”, it’s asked, and there is a response.
Everyone knows the drill and will play by the rules.
‘Your Social’ is unique enough to cast a spell
On the physical consciousness. It does this well
It’s expected that all behave like molecules
That are totally driven by their needs and wants.

It’s a personal question, so one must take care
Not to disclose the puzzle piece of the heartbeat
To unauthorized persons. No one wonders why
Nor is there any problem. By law all comply.
Can one mess with a system that cannot be beat?
Anyone thinking they can had better beware.

One Of Us or of any is meant to be one
Of all ones to be thought of… meaning everything
From the one who is singular to all there are.
One need not know their oneness by looking too far
Into rational thought and literal meaning.
The conceptual mantra can get a lot done.

It’s no mark of acceptance – just of inclusion
Within orders created by one’s circumstance.
To be known as One Of Us feels like I belong
To something that has meaning. All that I’ve done wrong
Tells me strongly that I will get no second chance
To behave in a better way with everyone.

Hope?

Apr20

Almost all of my life I’ve been mentally ill.
This profound revelation comes at a late stage.
I have made poor decisions that caused harm and grief.
In a fit of psychosis beyond my belief,
I have severed my roots. I am left to engage
In extreme self-analysis. It is no thrill.

I’m face down in my own crap, and my, what a mess.
It would take me a lifetime to straighten things out.
But I’ve already screwed up this life as it be.
Can I find a solution somewhere inside me?
Quickly I was approaching the terminal doubt…
That I should not have been born. I feel less than less.

What I wanted my whole life I already had…
Loving parents, a fine home, and family life.
I flushed that down the toilet. Now, having done so,
I am haunted by thoughts of where my soul might go,
But at least I’d not be here to cause people strife.
I recall only times when I’ve made people sad.

My big plan is to clean up the big mess I’ve made.
With the help of my God I can get this thing done.
I shall pay off my huge debts and own property
Through the special talents God bestowed upon me.
All that I ever wanted was to be someone
Who is loving, and I am still on that crusade.

The Machine

Apr16

Critical is the nature of all that is real.
Life maintained is a symphony of submission
To process… it’s profundity, having known hell.
Painfully, my own story is pleasant to tell.
The revealed Magic Realist and I are one.
Intertwined human troubles I rightly must feel.

Easily I am grateful now that the world view
I allow to possess me with its circuitry.
Already with my deep guilt that I cannot hide,
Ignorance of reality, never implied,
Yet the interdependence is made part of me.
I digest the late wake up call. Can it get through?

Never mind a life crisis to forecast the end
Of a thing become tangled in self-awareness.
Knowing now its fragility, I taste respect.
The finite probability has the effect
Of defining the issues I need to address.
This complex human puzzle I must comprehend.

Surrender this old body to forces divine.
The coming machine cycle is due to occur.
The grand clock of existence is mine to express
Through the real me evolving. I can’t go for less
Than the grace necessary to be as it were
In eternal alignment with all that is mine.

Things Will Flow

Feb16

The emotional scale is a continuum
Of all possible feelings. One end is despair
And the other is ecstasy, and in between
A progression to wellbeing clearly is seen.
If I want to feel happy then I must take care
That I know precisely where bad feelings come from.

From despair to revenge is a positive leap.
I have much more control, and I find some relief
From a cold crippling numbness that eats at the soul.
It’s not healthy to stay there, but I feel more whole
If at least I feel anger. It is my belief
That I can avoid things that my spirit can’t keep.

Between having no resistance and letting go
Of resistance, there is a subtle difference.
Like a car with its brake off and it’s out of gear
Momentum gathers quickly. It’s best I adhere
To the basic psychology. It does make sense
To create my momentum and go with the flow.

From complete satisfaction into ecstasy
Can happen rather swiftly. I’m not complacent
With the way that things are. I’m exhilarated
With the wonderful world that I have created
Wherein I have the freedom to dwell in content.
I have no doubt that good things will flow unto me.

The Superior Race?

Jan19

Don’t believe what your eyes see. This man is supreme
Just because of his white skin and powerful genes.
As he looks right straight past you with only one eye
One can know he means business. He’s willing to try
To take over the country by violent means
Because he bears the right to go to the extreme.

Just what oath are you keeping, you ignorant fool?
…The one that says stupidity shall ever reign?
Then you’re making good progress but only for you.
You can shoot your damned eye out. What else can you do?
As a gun safety instructor you draw disdain.
May your oath keeping cohorts sign up for your school.

Those who preach white supremacy can you explain
How that concept can settle in your vacant minds
And then grow into hatred beyond all belief?
Why is there no other race causing so much grief?
Take a look at your own race with trash of all kinds.
If you idolize this jerk you’re truly insane.

I was given the lowdown some decades ago
From a jerk with a hair of hatred up his ass.
He warned me there’d be bloodshed. The coming race war
Is a threat that is possible if we ignore
The raw truth of the matter. This bitter impasse
Leaves us ever divided and steeped in our woe.

Feminine Drought

Jan16

To be one with the contrast that is part of me…
Is it my sin to think that we all can be one?
Christ knew nothing of hatred. He knew only love.
Why do modern day Christians have every kind of
Nasty defect of character under the sun?
How are those of true faith so not able to see?

It’s all been documented throughout history
How the hatred of women and Christian values
Have been forced into marriage. The resultant child
Is a sick ideology where the reviled
Are half the congregation of whom they accuse
Of bringing sin to mankind originally.

The far right are the hypocrites. Like the Nazis
Who believed in male dominance, republicans
Have become the new billboard to promulgate hate.
Religion is a power tool used to berate
Anything that is not male or white, and their plans
Are to subjugate nonwhites and women with ease.

It is the patriarchal biblical word view
That has become the enemy of humankind.
We know Eve was created as an afterthought.
Think of that implication! The mindset is fraught
With existential illogic. Fear the sick mind
That may be of your neighbor who just may hate you.

Do not covet your neighbor’s wife, ox, or donkey,
Or anything of value that some man may own.
Women should not have authority over man.
This bullshit from the bible is where it began.
This is why we’re psychotic and violence prone.
Our survival as one race may not come to be.

The Eighth Deadly Sin

Dec20

If I could deal with my sins, I’d not need to write.
Should I count them a blessing for creative work?
And is my darkest nature subject to concern
Of a soul who would read me? My will is to learn
What it is that upsets me. I’ve gone full berserk
Throughout most of my living. It’s been a huge fight.

There are now seven deadly ones. Once there were eight.
Back in times medieval the big change was made
Perhaps due to aesthetics, Seven is more pure
And more easily remembered. One can be sure
That the eighth must have gotten people so afraid
That they dropped it completely to safeguard their fate.

All of them wrapped into one is what I’ve become
Now that I as an old man review my sick life.
In my weakness I’m not the risk I was before.
It’s a blessing that I can’t abuse anymore.
It’s no wonder I experience so much strife.
I’m a step below the level of lowlife scum.

To Despond is the eighth sin. It’s now a disease
That is treated with counseling – not the preacher.
An outlook that is hopeless and marked by despair,
Chronic gloom, and depression is the lack of care
I have given to goodness. I am a creature
Who, in life’s recollection, is brought to its knees.

Uncivil Mitosis

Dec15

Red and Blue come together to form a union
And escape from the tyranny of monarchy.
One nation undivided with territories
With their own constitutions and racial disease
Has remained but a battlefield. Lord have mercy
On this land most bedeviled by contradiction.

I would not have thought things could turn out quite this way.
The illusion of brotherly love was intense.
Psychedelic were those days of Reverend King.
Now, the dream of America is not a thing
That resembles inclusiveness. Does it make sense
That a part of society serves as its prey?

Liberals and conservatives, blue folk and red…
The confederate and union troops on the field
Also make up the government and places high.
Blatancy is becoming. Here’s the reason why.
It is only through battle that we become healed
So that we can remember and honor our dead.

As it has been it will be. No change can occur
But the ongoing process of cell division
And the up and down cycles of racial hatred
Is something that I’ll ponder perhaps ‘til I’m dead.
I alone have the right to make the decision
That allows for my freedom as I would prefer.

Pro-Life?

Dec9

Secession from the Union is sadly the role
Of the people in leadership in certain states.
Racism is an ice cold determination.
Ruthlessly the psychosis will never be done.
It matters not the path nor danger that awaits.
Every kind of rebellion is locked in the soul.

Which states will lead the nation in counting their dead?
With extreme desperation it is a contest
To placate the defiant ignorant to know
But to curse everything about the status quo.
The contempt for authority that is expressed
Is sufficient to keep all from moving ahead.

Mostly victims are children in these sick places
Where the spread of the virus increases by day.
Hospitalized children is specific red states
Are the highest reported. The leader who hates
Is in fact the worse killer. If he has his way
The bug will only kill those of certain races.

Gut wrenching are the stories that pour out of hell.
One must deal with intolerance to common sense
And attraction to living instead of disease.
What happens when the nation is brought to its knees?
Would the scourge of hypocrisy be as immense?
It takes more than a vaccine to make people well.

Nigger Season

Nov21

If I walk outside my house I may be shot dead
By some teen with a license which is his white skin.
It may be for no other reason than I’m black,
And a crime such as that is well worth an attack.
What can I do about my original sin?
Following this dark sequence is done with much dread.

But I have to go through it. I have not the choice
But to work out this puzzle witch fucks with the mind.
It’s not that I’m heartbroken. I’m now wide awake
To the hate that is due me. No hand may I shake
That is not mine in color. In this can I find
Some perverted assed reason for me to rejoice?

No I can’t. So, it’s best that I piss and move on.
Survival is a given until it is not.
I remain just as helpless as decades ago.
Civil rights was a pipe dream, and as the weeds grow
Hatred lingers and forces itself by gunshot.
‘Seems we’ll never live up to the manicured lawn.

The procession of seasons that nature provides
Is severely augmented by issues of race.
Responding to the gut punch, I find some relief.
And my role in the picture is that much more brief.
My death may be related to some lame court case.
That’s where I am. I now leave it up to my guides.

Missing Inaction

Sep27

When a white girl is missing, all are up in arms.
There are many resources expended to find
Every clue to her whereabouts. Amber alerts
Are broadcasted profusely, and the thing that hurts
Is that black and brown females are left far behind
In the blessing of God’s grace. Everyone it harms.

Every standard young white couple out on the trail
Is a thing of great value and such a fresh sight
Until something turns ugly. The man is believed,
And the woman’s whole take on things is misperceived.
If this couple were black, would the system be right?
One or both of them surely would end up in jail.

There’s no knee-to-the-neck justice for the white man.
He may bullshit his way into running scot free.
A fake twenty dollar bill is just not the same
As a white woman’s murder. Yet he bears no blame
Until things are so obvious for all to see.
Institutional racism is a dark plan.

To ask if there’s a problem with anything here
That is written or written of is but to jest.
My whole purpose in writing is to explore truth.
As we look to the future, it is in our youth
That the cycle be broken – not just not expressed.
We as humans can avoid a future austere.

Aster * Risk

Sep11

Everyone that I’ve ever know will hate my guts.
It’s a given. I don’t have to figure that out.
In the brief time that I may have left, I’m assured
That I will be the enemy. Those who’ve endured
My abuse will be thankful and gleefully shout
When I’m gone because I’m prone to driving folks nuts.

You do that to me also though. This quid pro squat
Leaves someone more shorthanded. This Risk with a face
Tries to mingle among the real thing and behave
In the ways of true stardom. No love can it crave.
Once The Risk is discovered, a quiet disgrace
Permeates like a wet fart that offends a lot.

In some ways I am like you colorful breeders,
But something fundamental is missing in me.
Clueless, I’ve sought a lifetime the answer to that.
Yet you normal ones know me, and this tit for tat
With the mind and emotions I play piss poorly.
In the game of relating, I’ve few cheerleaders.

So I’ll just keep on hiding amid you aster
Trying hard not to dis you inadvertently.
You and I spell disaster and should never meet.
I’m an old pissed off bastard who cannot be sweet
Anymore. It is bullshit as far as I see.
My true self is the one thing that I must master.

Pony Ride

Sep8

Things are dead at the clubhouse, or maybe it’s me….
In my desperation a big gamble I took.
Now that I’ve made the foolish decision, I’m stuck.
I’ve grown closer to some. To others, I’m a schmuck
With a streak of incompetence. I’m not a crook,
But I need to be watched now, and rather closely.

Any time of the month is condensed down to one
Interrogative moment as I sit alone
With my phones disconnected. I want no contact
With the world of the living. It’s lethal impact
Feels strangely like rejection by people unknown.
I can know not the scope of the damage I’ve done.

Physical are the symptoms. The tight cramping pain –
Intercellular pillows releasing life force
In the deepest parts of me – is what I endure.
Institutions remind me that I am impure.
My net worth, nonexistent, is now void of course
In a network of gossip and righteous disdain.

There’s a knot in my gut as I straddle this rope
That my feet have slipped off of. It’s jagged movement
Makes my gait somewhat fated to going around
And around as I rummage through my dark background.
I can choose to give honor to this day’s torment
Or to see things another way, guided by hope.

Happiness Amid Horror

Jul8

I Exist. Don’t I know it! This heat is intense.
It consumes not my sorrow. It savers my soul.
Agony is what I know in this time and place.
I cannot keep my mind off the horror I face
Through confounded incompetence while on parole
From abysmal circumstance. Have I some defense?

I can see through the flames just as they see in me
Their reflection in pure light. They’re taken aback.
Unexpected behavior to them is obscene.
I did wake up this morning. The grass is still green.
And although I’m consumed with such feelings of lack,
I’ve a lot going for me. That much I can see.

Satisfaction and relief feel almost the same.
I have deactivated the resistant part
Of my vibration righteously. Now I’m intent
On that satisfied feeling. I can’t be hellbent
On a manifestation. What’s dear to my heart
Is that sense of alignment. It’s my only aim.

Getting into the Vortex is what rings my bell.
It’s the state where my passion for life can explode
Into wonderful feelings and brighter insights.
Can I then be more open to reaching new heights?
My existence in hell is a brief episode.
In the heart of abundance my true self does dwell.

The State Of Allowing

Jul6

In that state of wellbeing I most want to be…
Where I find some relief from the problems I face.
“Lack Of Money” – the sign I flash unconsciously
Keeps the good life from coming. This hurt part of me
Is the subject of complete financial disgrace.
What I want is to be more financially free.

So, this drum I’ve been beating is quite negative.
It puts me in a cold sweat. I can’t keep my head
In the sand for much longer. Things only get worse.
As my thoughts become dangerous, I feel the curse
Put upon me by myself. Each moment I dread.
It affects my digestion. It’s no way to live.

My vibration is fucked up. I can’t deny that
Nor refrain from profanity. All that I feel
Has a purpose that spirit has asked me to share.
Those who know they’re not worthy must know that I care
For those suffering as I do. This Shit Is Real!
How do I engage myself in mortal combat?

Well the answer is simple. I can take a break
From my hell through a virtual reality.
Fantasy therapeutic and most creative
Will allow universal forces to then give
All that I have been asking. I just have to be
In The State Of Allowing. Too much is at stake.

With The Ease Of Disease

Jun26

The Department of Justice is a biosphere.
It functions as a system for keeping control
Of its body’s behaviors. It does a fine job
Until it’s taken over by creatures who rob
The system of integrity. Now it’s not whole
And things don’t seem as transparent as they appear.

The new Attorney General has a huge task –
To clean up what’s been dirtied over many years.
Focusing his attention on most urgent things,
Like sponsored insurrection and mass hatred, brings
Out of focus the fabric that feeds on our fears.
Would a quick, thorough cleansing be too much to ask?

Give this man time to settle and get his feet wet.
We know that he’s a player on the winning team.
Justice matters to everyone – not just ‘The Law.’
Our frail democracy is one not without flaw.
What occurs now is not the American Dream…
At least not for the many. Indeed it’s a threat.

In the midst of a civil war, a hope and prayer
Is the least one can offer to powers that be
Of the kind for evolving. “We’ll get there some day,”
Uttered nervously from me is trite, in a way.
However, it prepares me to set myself free
Of the matter completely so that I won’t share.

Rain Is Right For A Monday

Jun21

I appreciate rainfall as much as sunshine.
If to me there’s a difference between the two
Then there’s something wrong with me, but not on this day.
It is time for the business of slipping away
To a deep introspection. Whatever I do
Will be worthwhile in spirit. This day will be fine.

Rain is such a fine cleansing of heart and of mind.
Nature puts things in order. Her ways outweigh those
Of the whole of humanity. Therein I learn
To succumb to the rhythmic patterns I discern
In the simplistic trickling as surely it slows
The functions of societies of humankind.

For those souls in the rat race, Monday is the start
Of a week of performing the best that one can.
Companies are the backbones of economies.
We The People are droplets they need to appease.
All together we flow. Every woman and man
Is the priming the pump needs. We each play a part.

Let the rain be the cover that I need today.
Gravity is its calling. The times are severe.
I’ll learn how to discover this world and my place
In its intricate workings, and may it erase
The effects of exhaustion because of my fear.
May my life that is dirtied be cleansed in this way.

Out On A Limb

Jun18

Not alone in the forest am I this fine day.
There are others who, like me, are in grave distress.
No one knows of our troubles. Indeed, if they did
We poor souls would do best to keep our faces hid
From the judgment of others. I need not transgress
Any further. Within my own hell I shall stay.

My guts tell me I’m worthless. Sometimes I agree
Just to keep them performing their daily function.
When they find that I think that I’m someone worthwhile,
They will seize up and lock down and become hostile.
With an act all their own, they’re another ‘someone’
Who I must stay away from and most completely.

As I take time to write this, it is an escape
And a respite from reasoning what cannot be
Figured out in my present state which is too ill
To deal with what’s not happening. It ain’t no thrill,
But by getting it out of myself, I can see
From a much better angle. I’m not in bad shape.

Life Review I am going through as it occurs.
Much I’ll get through while living my time remaining.
I should now pay attention so I don’t forget
All that I’ve done to others that I do regret.
There’s a spiritual reason for suffering.
It’s to work off the karma the ego deters.

Who’s Going To Do Something?

Jun10

All the world’s statisticians give truth that is raw.
So straightforward the science, its transparency
Can be taken for granted. Our whole lives could change
For the ultimate better. It is rather strange
That we don’t choose what’s best for our society.
The life spans of democracies are wrought with flaw.

I know that common sense is ignorable when
One nineteenth the defense budget is spent on peace.
Good health is not as profitable as is sickness,
And it means that some of us cannot have access
To what everyone should have. All crime would decrease
If more people felt worthy and human again.

Greater economic opportunities for
Women and educational ones for children,
The reduction of violence against women…
Are some places where our attention hasn’t been.
If the human condition cannot change, what then?
We don’t play by the numbers. We mess with the score.

Who’s Going To Do Something? It’s all up to us,
And that feels catastrophic right down to the bone.
But this truth is the answer to no question asked.
All democracy suffers, and so we are tasked
To address the condition become too well known…
But to those in authority, superfluous.

Death Rattle

Jun6

Stay Alive. That’s a challenge. I’d better not fail.
Chances are I won’t do that, but chances are that
I will die in the process through no fault of mine…
Not even indirectly, which would suit me fine.
Let the shit happen quickly. The drop of a hat
Is a reason acceptable for me to bail.

As the brunt of life’s karma comes on at full force…
When there’s no one to go to; all bridges are burnt,
And I can’t find an answer to save my own soul,
Have I left any reason to aim for a goal?
I must still think I’m worthy, because if I weren’t
I would not be attuned to a special resource.

As the hat drops, the shoe falls. I know not which one
To entangle the horns of with my intellect
Or the brute force I muster when misdirected.
Anyone who would say that I’m better off dead
Hasn’t suffered like I have and has no respect
For the foolish and how in err they get things done.

The Death Rattle I feel, and it hangs fairly low.
In the pit of my stomach is where it begins
To erupt through the heart chakra into my throat.
When denied every platform I need to promote…
I must know that it’s karma for all my past sins.
Hopefully there’s an answer my living can show.

Life Or Death

Jun1

It’s a matter of being – or not being here.
In one tenth of an instant all life could be gone.
Then what happens thereafter? Don’t go there so fast.
Though the grips of electrons at best only last
But a non-fatal flailing… do curse the new dawn.
Obstacles are withstanding. I can’t disappear.

Fascination I’m left with – it’s all that remains –
For the movement of particles… or anything
Well accustomed to light speed. I live for the spark
That gives honor to contrast between light and dark.
Only when it gets awful, destructive thinking
Leaves me languidly livid – the worst of all pains.

Living just for this moment, relief I do find.
Distraction from rejection is re-translation
Of the latter to loveliness, but at a cost
To the hurtful part of me who is rather lost
In this world become nasty beyond all reason.
Can creatures like electrons be known to be kind?

If ever the thereafter consumes my yearning
For the pain to be over, the present is one
That cannot be mistaken for past rotten deeds
Perpetrated in darkness for my selfish needs.
That I get to remain here, true justice is done.
On no thin thread of mercy I’m willing to cling.

Exit Methodologies

Apr14

A black man wouldn’t hang himself. That would be like
Jewish ones suicidal wanting to be gassed.
Some will hack at their wrists. Others go by the gun.
When it comes right down to it, to get the job done
So that one doesn’t fuck up, it has to be fast…
Like electrons – not slow as in taking a hike.

My perception of self and all that I perceive…
Indeed everything I know or thought that I did
Dissipates into nothingness. I know but pain.
Logic dictates remaining would be inhumane
To the rest of hell’s residents. Heaven forbid
That I go while unnoticed as I alone grieve.

Some use cigarette burn marks to fuck with their skin.
I mean that in a kind way. I would do the same.
But I’ve fucked with this website for too many years.
It’s not quite as effective. I’ve shed enough tears
Speaking out but not one God Damned person I claim
As a point of connection, much to my chagrin.

A poet I’ll still call myself even as I
In one last burst defiant to stark nothingness
That this world thing and all I know is and always
Has been and will be. How dare that I covet praise!
I’m a drop in a strange bucket and nothing less
Than a weary old nigger just wanting to die.

On Beating The Blues

Apr13

An old man on a job search is death wish engaged
At full throttle straight into the darkness of hell.
Able bodied I am with an excellent mind
But this world doesn’t see that. In essence, it’s blind
To what I have to offer. I’m just a hard sell
To the age of the phone app. Indeed I’m outraged.

But who gives a bat’s dropping among hell’s elite?
Having spent the last few weeks as a prostitute
On the road and in offices for interviews
That upset and degrade me, I’ll not self-abuse
As I sense that’s the intent because they can’t shoot
Me for sport or for pleasure. Still I’m in defeat.

Sent way out to the boondocks through Amazon Flex
With a carload of packages on gravel roads
With no God Damned thing guiding me but a phone app
Then the fucking phone dies. The whole day’s turned to crap
I bent over and puckered for copious loads
Of the dark seed of Satan in virtual sex.

I’d take this as a joke played on me with a smile
And forget like a bad dream what’s happened to me
If I were a lot younger – not old and depressed.
Vows I’ve made to my doctors were not made in jest
But when push comes to shove one would have to agree
That to ask for a breastfeeding isn’t my style.

I cannot be employed, yet Magic I create.
I have many fine talents and education
That I’m still paying off after decades by now.
This life hates my damned guts. This fact I can allow
To solidify suicidal decision.
But for now, I’ve decided to nourish my hate.

When I Have Fear

Apr11

I have fear unbecoming a creature of God
That I still may have many years left to endure
Bloody hell on this wretched earth. My humanness
Is a curse – not a blessing. I know not success
To be worth my pursuing it. Quite insecure
Is the thin thread I dangle from. This life is flawed.

When I fear that my thinking will go on this way
To the point of considering ways to check out…
And when some reassurance that I here belong
Having made life a failure by being so wrong
In relating to rightness does not come about
It’s doubtful I’ll be here by the end of the day.

When my guts choke what feeds them perpetually
And their out of phase rhythm defies natures role…
When complaining to doctors leads to the dead end –
Absolute like a brick wall, deeper I descend
To that dark, choking space. I’m not one to console.
If God would deem it worthy, I would cease to be.

Thought becomes intervention. The things that I’ve tried
And failed at most horrendously are stepping stones.
“You just need to hang in there…” That’s so God Damned trite,
But this prison has strange rules that I cannot fight.
These insults are acceptable to my weak bones.
With my life’s final chapter I am satisfied.

Hello, Cruel World…

Aug19

What I offer to this world, this word doesn’t want.
That it’s been such a struggle is more than a clue.
How does it all affect me? My bowels are a mess.
I’ve made light of my issues, but now I confess
That I don’t have an inkling for what I should do.
I came with a few talents, but nothing to flaunt.

As it seems, the dark cloud hangs not over my head.
I am fully engulfed in it. None can I see
As a source of fulfillment. I cry right out loud…
Have I done anything for which I can be proud?
When the sole benefactor turns out to be me
Then it makes perfect sense that I’m better off dead.

But, of course, what seems obvious a remedy
Is a thing that society deems as unfair
So much so, it’s a crime among modern-day folk.
It behooves me to see I’m the brunt of a joke
Of profound insignificance. Shocked in despair,
I shall keep on expressing ‘til I cease to be.

The Magic Realist

A Poet's Path

Tag Archive | despair

Uncivil Mitosis

Pro-Life?

Nigger Season

Exit Methodologies